Do you know the REAL reasons you yell at your children?
There isn’t a mother on this planet that has not yelled at her child at one time or another – it is part of the mothering journey and is also part of our humanity.
I struggled with yelling, a lot. Besides being exhausted and overwhelmed with two children at once (I had twins), I had a hard time asking for help.
Also, I didn’t have a lot of tools in my toolkit when it came to getting my needs met, holding boundaries and trying to handle my energetic and strong-willed children as well as juggle a busy full-time career.
And because my toolbox was limited, I reacted to many situations with yelling to feel heard, in control and to keep things together.
But because of all the skills that I developed and the personal transformation work I have done, I’ve gone from being a stressed-out yelling mom, who had more temper tantrums than my children, to feeling deeply connected with myself, and my children and being able to parent from a place of confidence and peace.
I no longer need to yell at my children to get them to listen and comply, and the frustration and disappointment I used to feel have has been replaced with joy and connection.
Today, I am more able to respond to my children’s needs, create and hold boundaries, offer myself self-care and compassion, be more present and mindful, and most importantly, genuinely connect with my children.
And this new way of parenting has allowed me to respond to my children from my intuition, inner wisdom and authentic self, rather than from that reactive, volatile and combative part of me called my ego or false self.
What freedom that has brought into my life! Parenting from a conscious and calm place brings so much more joy and connection to my relationships and life!
I know you are looking for this too so let me share how you can get there.
I am going to share with you the 3 real reasons moms yell.
Yelling is a symptom of 3 core underlying issues, and when you know the real sources of your shouting, you’ll be able to address those needs.
In this blog, I share the second real reason moms yell.
As you learned in part 1 of this blog series we yell because of our unmet needs – either present needs (hungry or tired) or because of our unhealed emotional needs from childhood.
The second reason we yell is that of expectations and agendas (as well as control and perfectionism).
Looking at the list, we can see that the common reasons moms share about why they yell are: having unrealistic expectations, hidden agendas (to the child) as well as perfectionism and, a high need for control.
Can you see that yelling is initiated by wanting specific behaviors and feeling frustrated when they don’t manifest?
We often have unconscious agendas, movies in our head about how we want things to play out. We expect our child to say this or do that yet that isn’t how it happens and that makes us feel frustrated or disappointed which often results in yelling because we feel out of control.
This is also about having a high need for control, perfectionism and needing things to be a particular way to feel a certain way.
This category is about your mental well-being – minding the mind, letting go of limiting beliefs and old childhood patterns that are no longer serving you.
Being able to recognize and put expectations aside, looking at and as your child and being able to see behind the ‘bad behavior’ and see the real needs, are a few examples of skills that will help you feel more confident and connected with yourself and your children.
Here is a practice that you can start to do today.
Look at the areas that you feel the most disappointment and frustration. Is it getting out the door in the morning, or the bedtime routine and then see how your ‘should’s’ and expectations might be the source of your yelling.
What are you expecting your children to do that they aren’t doing? What behaviors are you hoping for that just aren’t happening and are you willing to let go of those expectations for now?
Be open to making some changes in what you want from your children, and if appropriate, have a conversation with them about what might be challenging for them or preventing them from following through.
It may be that what you’re expecting is unrealistic for their stage of development or your request might require a few modifications.
Want to learn more?
Click here to read part 3 of this blog series. And if you resonate with what I have shared and you are ready to make some changes in your life click below to get a free downloadable Yelling Quiz that will tell you exactly the reason you yell!