My name is Nicki Paulun, and I help moms go from chaos to calm, cool and connected in their parenting.
I am also the author of the book Unlock Your Parenting Potential: The Key to More Joy, Peace, and Connection.
Here’s my story…
It took two rounds of IVF and a miscarriage to finally get pregnant – with twins. It shocked me when the yelling started. How could I be so angry, frustrated, irritated and lose my cool with my children when I had wanted them so much?
Before children, my life was enjoyable and full. I traveled all over the world with a job I loved. I had amazing vacations in exotic places. And I lived in a beautiful neighborhood in the country.
And now with children, I felt out of control and I hated it when I yelled. But I hated myself when I raged. I nicknamed myself Monster Mommy because I felt like a green-eyed alien I didn’t recognize.
I felt like, The. Worst. Mother. Ever!
And I felt so helpless and frustrated when I didn’t know what was going on and no one seemed to help me. I felt so alone.
I wanted to go back to the calm, cool, collected person I used to be. And I wanted to have our family time back – feeling connected and enjoying each other again. I wanted to feel joy, peace, and connection again.
I wanted to stop yelling.
When I was in the middle of my “yelling life”, I knew I wanted to stop but I didn’t know how. It seemed no one understood or could help me. I was walking on eggshells all the time. Life was chaotic and it didn’t feel good.
I wanted to show my children love in a certain way. I wanted to care for their physical needs with bath time and baking special healthy treats. But, they hated the bath and would scream. And they would also spit out the cookies I had baked.
They didn’t want what I was offering them. They rejected my love and that hurt and I started to feel resentful. That would lead to yelling.
My professional career was on shaky ground
Work was not going well either. I would get the kids ready to start the day but things didn’t go smoothly. I’d often be late to work and exhausted after screaming all morning. I wanted to be a successful manager and employee but being late and agitated was sabotaging that.
I thought, “If only I could make the kids listen, do what they are told the first time and be good. If only someone would fix the kids, then I would stop yelling.” I tried everything. We took the kids to a Psychologist. And then a counselor and even an art therapist.
So, I tried controlling things to keep the peace. Intervening so they wouldn’t fight. Doing everything so there were no issues.
I spent four years doing this, trying everything. And the kids kept ignoring me, disobeying and I kept yelling. I was EXHAUSTED!
This wasn’t how I wanted to be a mother or a person!
One day I’d had enough. I was desperate to end the yelling and the rages. I started thinking ‘what if this isn’t about the kids – what if this is about ME?’
If this sounds like you click below to get The Yelling Quiz.
The first ah-ha moment happened when I started to see the patterns. I was feeling frustrated when bath time was chaotic and I would yell. I was feeling hurt and rejected over my cooking and I would lash out. I would get angry when the kids didn’t listen and the outing didn’t go well.
I remember the thought ‘what if this is about me?’
I actually got excited! I knew to control my behavior was going to be a lot easier than trying to control my children’s!
I started searching for parenting resources. I found the book, The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary and started reading it. It opened my eyes.
I learned that parenting involved many facets. I took small steps and started doing what she recommended. I did it tentatively at first because we’d already tried so many things. The book was saying that in the end, this was about me, and my childhood. That resonated with me but I wasn’t completely convinced – not yet anyway.
I started seeing the patterns of when the yelling started, and what triggered it. As I started doing the work I wasn’t yelling as much. And I felt better – calmer, and more connected.
But what I noticed was that the kids were listening to me more. They weren’t fussing as much and we were having more fun!
Because I started seeing success, I did more. I read more books, did weekend workshops and I even a week-long retreat. I wished there had been a specific program about how to end the yelling.
My Breakthrough Moment
One day my daughter was taking skating lessons, and I saw her kicking her skates into the rink. Shards of ice were flying everywhere and I was embarrassed. I was angry and got her off the ice. She didn’t want to skate.
I wanted ice-skating for her. I’d always wanted to figure skate. I was giving her what I never had – skating lessons.
And that is when I had my breakthrough moment – Oh Em Gee! This is about me!
I was feeling resentment that my daughter didn’t share the same passion for skating. I was jealous that she was getting classes that I never got. And, I was disappointed that this wasn’t going to be our sport together.
These were my expectations, feelings, and needs – not my daughters! This had nothing to do with her – this was all about me!
After my breakthrough moment, I went back to more books. What I read opened my eyes. Most importantly, I learned specific things I could do to end the yelling. It took patience, perseverance and time. I was going to end the yelling, no matter what. So, I kept going.
I realized it was easier to control my behavior than it was to try to control the kids or the situation. I learned that my yelling was about unrealistic expectations, unmet needs and lack of boundaries.
What a concept! Once I realized that I started making strategic shifts in my parenting. I also started caring for myself more.
The kids became calmer and more engaged and responsive.
Was it perfect? No. Life is messy – that’s the way of it.
Now, we’re connected with each other.
Now, I’m the calm, cool, and collected person I used to be. And everyone in our family is connected and happy!
We enjoy a variety of activities, the day’s flow easily and there’s lots of fun and giggles. I almost can’t believe the change. Everyone is so much calmer.
And that’s because I feel calm, grounded, connected and confident in my parenting. Now, I am present with my children. I use my inner wisdom and intuition to respond and I adjust as required with minimal effort.
And if a situation arises, I know exactly what to do so that yelling doesn’t happen. It’s calm. We go with the flow. And I feel better about everything, including myself. The yelling has ended and I am the mom I have always wanted to be.
During the yelling and Monster Mommy moments, I wish there had been a program or someone to help me. That’s why I decided to become a Coach. I don’t want working Moms to go through what I did – all that time, chaos and stress.
After years of coaching moms, I recently created the program End the Yelling with Compassion. Developed from over 10 years of experience, research, training, workshops, and participation in transformation workshops and retreats, this online self-paced program will help you:
- Get your kids to listen
- Feel calmer and have a more peaceful home
- Be more confident in your parenting
- Feel more connected with your children, and
- End the yelling!
Credentials and Degrees
My formal education includes:
- Diploma in Early Childhood Education from CEGEP
- Bachelors Degree in Psychology from the University of Ottawa
- Diploma in Adult Education from St. Francis Xavier University
- Certificate in Management Development from the Sprott School of Business, Carleton University
- Integral Professional Coach ™ from Integral Coaching Canada.
I also have 20+ years experience as an instructional designer and facilitator and have been very lucky to have traveled and worked all over the world.
This means I know exactly how to help you go from chaos to calm, cool and connected.
Integral Coaching Canada™ is a registered trademark in Canada owned by Integral Coaching Canada Inc. and is licensed to Nicki Paulun 2016.